This has become my mantra.
Less than a month ago I wrote the post titled "Progress". In it, I talked about how I was having two good weeks, and I said, "I feel I may be turning a corner, but I'm scared to get my hopes up. Lyme has a way of doing that to you - knocking you down when you have just gotten your feet under you." My fear proved to be warranted, since soon after I started feeling terrible again. Bad days are terrible, but bad weeks are even worse, because they really wear down your mental state. My joints and hands have been hurting again, although the joints have been worse before. Some days I am alternating between having hot flashes and cold flashes. I have this overall unwell feeling - like when you're sick, and you know you are, but you can't pinpoint exactly "why" you feel that way. My neuro symptoms have been kicking up, which is discouraging since they had previously been getting better. I alternate between being anxious, depressed, angry, and sad. I feel like a basketcase to be honest. Also forgetfulness - my husband was asking where his pills are. I found them the next day, in a place I know I must have put them, but I have zero recollection of even touching the bottle. I am constantly going up to him and asking for him to help me remember a word I am trying to come up with. I have to say, the neuro symptoms are worse than the pain symptoms. You can do something to make the pain go away, or at least lessen, You've just got to deal with the neuro stuff, and feeling like you're going out of your mind.
The reason I posted the photo above is because I am trying to remember, that bad days (or weeks) do not necessarily mean lost progress. Healing from something like this is not a straight, narrow path. It's full of ups and downs and unknowns. It's not something we want to hear, but it's the truth. Lately, with these bad days that seem unending, I find myself thinking skeptically, "am I really getting better?" There's no instructions on how to heal. The path is so difference for each person, and none is 100% guaranteed. It's maddening...but that is life.
Every day I wake up and say to myself, "today will be a good day." If it will or not remains to be seen until I've lived it, but I want to start the day with the right mindset. At the conference on Saturday, George Popovici said, "when you're in the valleys, look for the peaks." I love this and it's something I've been saying to myself. When I'm in a valley, like I am today, I need to keep my eyes trained ahead for the next peak. The peak may be only a week, a day, or an hour...but it's there. Any respite from this, no matter how small, is precious.
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