The life I leave behind

I read something today, and I've been going over it in my head all day. It was an article titled "Grieve your losses from Lyme, and then persevere." (You can read it here) The article itself was great, the woman who wrote it is, of course, a fellow Lyme warrior. With this disease (or any disease, I imagine) it feels like a treasure when you find someone you know understands what you're going through. Whether in real life, online or through the written word. 

Anyway, the part of the article that I've been mulling over is this: 

"Only recently have I been able to actually grieve the losses I have suffered. The intensity of the loss of my former life sometimes feels really hard to bear. I had to leave it behind without saying goodbye, instead looking at myself like a research project. Eventually, I had to face the fact that the life I used to have was simply not coming back."

I read that and instantly became angry. 
No. No! I thought to myself. I do not accept that I will not have my life back. I refuse to accept it. There are people who get better. People who reach remission, and can go back to living their lives. People who have been far sicker, for far longer, than I have been. 

But it stayed in the back of my mind. Do I have unrealistic expectations? Is it unrealistic to believe my life will go back the way it was before Lyme?

My daughter Cora said to me tonight, "mom, will you always have Lyme?" I told her, yes, I most likely will. I believe I will reach remission, but I will likely have to deal with relapses my whole life. 

And that's when it hit me. 

No, my life won't ever be the same. 

I will not be able to live my life the way I used to. I will never be able to take for granted my body, my health, or waking up in the morning feeling good. 

I will always watch my children with fear. I will never be able to stop worrying with every headache, ever complaint of a knee hurting. I will never be able to brush off these symptoms in myself. 

It will always be in the back of my mind. 

So yes, maybe I do need to grieve the life I used to have. But in a different way.

Because I will get back to being in shape and strong. I will be able to work in my garden without being in intense pain an hour later. I will be able to go out for a night and enjoy myself without trying to hide my symptoms. I will be able to take my kids to the playground without being exhausted. I will have days go by where I am not in pain. I will. And I won't take no for an answer.

I will have to let go of my old life, but I will enjoy a new life. And in many ways, this life will be even better.