Tonight I had one of those bouts of crying because I'm just so sick of being sick. This has been a long stretch of feeling terrible...at least 6 weeks. I don't have a lot of pain, but I just feel like crap. No motivation, lots of anxiety & depression. I don't want to leave the house, not finding joy in the things that usually make me happy. I feel like a sub-par version of myself. I'm hoping good days are coming soon, but even when I'm feeling good, the whole time I just feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because it never lasts. This last time I was feeling good lasted almost two months. I really had thought I'd turned a corner and that the worst was over. I feel so disappointed, and stupid for believing things could be getting better.
Christmas went really well, but I felt awful the whole day. I had a throbbing headache, chills, all over unwell feeling. I wasn't going to let it ruin the day, and I didn't. My kids had a great time and I was happy to see their joy, but I just wish I felt better so I myself could enjoy it more.
I'm feeling like I should try to get to the YMCA today, but I don't know if I'm up to going out. In the last few weeks I've gone and used the hot tub and then the sauna. They're both supposed to help with detox, especially the sauna. I've felt better for a few days following using both, so I know if I go it will be worth it, it's just a matter of getting myself out of the house.
Lately my oldest has been reminding me of traditions we didn't do this Christmas season. I feel so guilty, but I just can't do all the things I used to do. I see all these moms taking their kids out to do fun things, and I can barely take care of things at home. I know I've only been treating for 6 months, but I've been sick for 3 years. I honestly don't remember what it's like to feel completely normal. I've been thinking back trying to remember when I could have been infected, and I know my Babesia symptoms started 8 years ago. So likely I've been sick a long time. I know treatment will take a while, I just wish there was something that was able to tell how much progress I'm making. Instead, I end up wondering if I'm doing more harm than good.
Comments
Post a Comment