I'm back in one of those dark valleys. It's very frustrating, 27 weeks into treatment and though I see small improvements, for the most part I don't feel any better than I did before I started treatment. I am having less pain, but some of my other symptoms have been flaring. I've been having anxiety again, which is only exasperated by some of my other symptoms - skipped heartbeats and the sensation that my throat is closing up. Lyme has caused so many other "separate" health issues for me like adrenal fatigue, hypothyroidism and reactivated EBV, that it's hard to not be anxious that each new symptom could be something totally new and terrifying.
I've been having the skipped heartbeats every time I exercise (when my HR hits 150 bpm) ever since I've been sick. I decided to try a good quality magnesium supplement as many people have said it helps; instead, it made them worse! The day I took it I got over a dozen skipped beats. It's really a terrifying feeling. It could be due to my electrolytes being off, or some mineral deficiency, but really, who knows? I have been burned by so many doctors I just don't trust most of them anymore, so I'm hesitant to waste my time going to see specialists who not only will not help, but will tell me I'm crazy.
I actually did see an ENT about my throat issues two years ago, but he wasn't helpful. Everything "looked" fine and he said "maybe" I have LPR (silent reflux) but the throat issues come and go and don't seem to follow any specific food. It's unnerving, as it feels like my throat is under pressure, swollen, or like there's something stuck in it. I'm inclined to believe its due to both reflux and swollen lymph nodes, and because there's no rhyme or reason to it I am thinking it's just Bartonella and Lyme doing their thing.
For now, my doctor says we are at a good dose of thyroid medication. I do have less fatigue. But despite being at a good dose, I feel like I'm blowing up like a tick. I look in the mirror and I really feel now I outwardly look as sick as I am inwardly. I feel like I have no spark. It doesn't matter what I wear or what makeup I put on, I look fat and sick. My skin is detoxing again so I'm breaking out like crazy. I just feel like a mess. I'm at the point where I don't even bother trying to look nice most of the time. It's just wasted energy.
I was so excited for Christmas, and then this valley hit me. I think a lot of it is the anxiety causing me to feel like it's all hopeless. I'm constantly second-guessing my treatment and everything I do. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd much rather have painful symptoms than these anxiety/depression symptoms. They're simply unbearable.
A woman I met through the Lyme group passed away a couple of weeks ago. She and I would message to check on each other, she referred me to the Lyme doctor I see. She lived in MA but we never had a chance to meet. I was heartbroken. I think it just hit close to home. I know she had other serious health issues but it's scary.
I gave up exercising. Last time I went to my Pound class, the skipped heartbeats continued all night. That was really the last thing I was holding on to, I was determined to keep it because I love to exercise. But when it causes you issues, and you're not gaining muscle or losing weight, you start to wonder if you're doing more harm than good.
I just want to feel better. I want to wake up and not worry about what the day will hold. I want to enjoy my family and see my friends and fit into my old clothes. I want to feel like me again.
I've been having the skipped heartbeats every time I exercise (when my HR hits 150 bpm) ever since I've been sick. I decided to try a good quality magnesium supplement as many people have said it helps; instead, it made them worse! The day I took it I got over a dozen skipped beats. It's really a terrifying feeling. It could be due to my electrolytes being off, or some mineral deficiency, but really, who knows? I have been burned by so many doctors I just don't trust most of them anymore, so I'm hesitant to waste my time going to see specialists who not only will not help, but will tell me I'm crazy.
I actually did see an ENT about my throat issues two years ago, but he wasn't helpful. Everything "looked" fine and he said "maybe" I have LPR (silent reflux) but the throat issues come and go and don't seem to follow any specific food. It's unnerving, as it feels like my throat is under pressure, swollen, or like there's something stuck in it. I'm inclined to believe its due to both reflux and swollen lymph nodes, and because there's no rhyme or reason to it I am thinking it's just Bartonella and Lyme doing their thing.
For now, my doctor says we are at a good dose of thyroid medication. I do have less fatigue. But despite being at a good dose, I feel like I'm blowing up like a tick. I look in the mirror and I really feel now I outwardly look as sick as I am inwardly. I feel like I have no spark. It doesn't matter what I wear or what makeup I put on, I look fat and sick. My skin is detoxing again so I'm breaking out like crazy. I just feel like a mess. I'm at the point where I don't even bother trying to look nice most of the time. It's just wasted energy.
I was so excited for Christmas, and then this valley hit me. I think a lot of it is the anxiety causing me to feel like it's all hopeless. I'm constantly second-guessing my treatment and everything I do. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I'd much rather have painful symptoms than these anxiety/depression symptoms. They're simply unbearable.
A woman I met through the Lyme group passed away a couple of weeks ago. She and I would message to check on each other, she referred me to the Lyme doctor I see. She lived in MA but we never had a chance to meet. I was heartbroken. I think it just hit close to home. I know she had other serious health issues but it's scary.
I gave up exercising. Last time I went to my Pound class, the skipped heartbeats continued all night. That was really the last thing I was holding on to, I was determined to keep it because I love to exercise. But when it causes you issues, and you're not gaining muscle or losing weight, you start to wonder if you're doing more harm than good.
I just want to feel better. I want to wake up and not worry about what the day will hold. I want to enjoy my family and see my friends and fit into my old clothes. I want to feel like me again.
Comments
Post a Comment