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Shadow


The worst part of Lyme is how much I've had to give up because of it.

I have been determined to not allow Lyme to define me, however, it's hard to ignore it and live my life when it affects me every single day. I love to garden, but my vegetable garden has suffered this year because I physically cannot weed and stay on top of things. When I spend even a few minutes weeding, my hands become so painful and stiff. On really bad days, I can't even cook dinner because of how much they hurt. I was continuing to go to the gym 2-3 days a week, but I had to stop running (as I mentioned in a previous post) and I had to stop weight lifting as well, because I am not only not gaining muscle, but find my muscles are even more weak in the days following. I have missed a lot of my favorite fitness class ever, Pound, because of pain and fatigue. I've noticed lately when I go, I have strange, intense knee pain afterward, no matter how I modify the moves. Sometimes when I go, I am so overcome with fatigue afterward that I climb into bed as soon as I get home. I was hoping to become a certified Pound instructor, but between my health issues and the cost of all of my medications and supplements (about $300 a month) I knew right now was not the right time.

With four kids, dealing with chronic pain presents many challenges. I try to keep their lives as normal as possible, but I often don't feel up to playing with them or taking them places. We spend a lot of time at home. I used to be very extroverted and always wanted to be out and about, now I'll easily stay home for days at a time. When I do go out, it often takes all the energy right out of me.

The unpredictability of this disease makes everything more complicated. Sometimes I will feel better for weeks at a time, but then I crash. This latest crash I am just getting over is due to a common cold. My husband had it first, nothing but a minor inconvenience. Then I got it. Sore throat, congestion, heavy chest, coughing. When I get sick, I don't just get sick; ALL of my Lyme and Bartonella symptoms join the party. So for the last 3 days, besides the cold symptoms, I had constant joint and muscle pain, headaches, stiff neck & back, throbbing foot pain, and more. Plus, I was in the middle of a nasty cyclic bout of insomnia as well. Luckily, today I feel like I have turned a corner. Not 100%, but getting there.

So many times I have gotten stuck in the victim mentality. Why me? It can be depressing to think about. My life is not what it was before Lyme. Most days, I don't feel like "me" anymore. I don't want to call it my new normal, not yet, because this isn't normal in any way. I will not normalize this disease, even in a personal way.

What I have learned through this, is how precious my health is. Good health is something we take for granted...I know I did. I have also learned the power of positivity. My mental state may go south at times but I try my best to keep positive. Our minds are very powerful. I won't be healed unless I believe I will. So even on the bad days, I choose to believe better days are ahead.

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