Hello anxiety, my old friend

"Healing is not linear" has been my mantra. It's a reminder that whatever health struggles I'm having, doesn't necessarily mean I'm going backwards. Treating Lyme disease is most definitely an exercise in patience. It's been almost 2 1/2 years, and remission still eludes me. It's hard to not become frustrated and discouraged, but I'm doing my best to remain optimistic and focus on how far I've come.

Theoretically, the further along in treatment you are, the less you experience herxheimer reactions. For some reason, that hasn't proven true in my case. I spent the second half of October and a good part of September herxing nearly non-stop, the same symptoms I've been dealing with since January - shoulder, neck and jaw pain, but mostly centered in the shoulders. It became so bad that it started affecting me emotionally, so I finally decided to go down to the lowest dose of herbs 3 times a day, and then slowly work my way back up. I also took 500mg of glutathione for a few days to help detox, as well as drank lemon water daily. As of the beginning of October, I've been back up to my full dosage of herbs, but now I've begun having some symptoms come back. The air hunger, which was 95% gone for the last two months, has come back. I've also been having some stomach issues, hot flashes, and anxiety. I believe it's likely connected to my thyroid or some other hormone issues. This is incredibly discouraging, since I just got off my thyroid meds in January, but I know whatever it is needs to be checked out ASAP. The anxiety only started a week ago, but some days it is nearly unbearable. I've been treating it naturally, but I know that will only help for so long. I am calling a new doctor on Monday, hopefully I like her because I need a PCP who is more holistically-minded. 

My biggest fear whenever symptoms begin resurfacing is that the Lyme or Bartonella are coming back full-force. I know I am strong, but the thought of having to fight all over again is too much for me to handle. The return of my anxiety is fueling anxiety over my health. My husband asks me why I feel anxious, and I can honestly say I don't know. It's not a response to my circumstances, it's a purely physical response. The way your body feels when you're anxious - knot in your stomach, muscles tense, in fight-or-flight mode - is how I feel, without the circumstances dictating what I have to be anxious about. It doesn't make sense if you've never had anxiety. I never did, until I got sick with Lyme. I've said it before, but hands down, the absolute worst symptom out of the more than 40 symptoms I had. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. 

Right now, I'm just in survival mode. Hoping this passes quickly.