Tonight I drove home from Pound class, feeling a bit discouraged. I thought my body was finally getting stronger, but the last two classes have been very hard to get through. Simple moves make my muscles burn intensely, when I used to be able to do the whole class without issue. It's hard not to feel frustrated with myself. I know it's not my fault, but sometimes I think knowing there's nothing I can do makes it worse.
While I was thinking about all of this, "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 came on the radio. Rob Thomas wrote the song, in part, for his wife, Marisol, who struggles with chronic neurological Lyme disease. I've heard the sound hundreds, if not thousands of times over the years, but after being diagnosed and knowing the story behind the song, it has taken on such a deep meaning, and makes me very emotional.
I've made major strides. For a few months now, I haven't been living with daily pain. The anxiety and depression has receded. I'm still symptomatic every single day, but it's not as debilitating at the moment. Mentally, I've come to a place of acceptance. I accept that I will very likely have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I'll always have to be careful how I eat, how hard I exercise, how stressed I become, because any of those things can bring the Lyme roaring back. For so long, I fought against this truth, but I've come to accept it as part of my journey.
But I would be lying if I said I'm not still dealing with some of the emotional fallout from this disease. This journey has not been easy. I've walked hopefully into a doctor's office I waited months to see, only to have him tell me I am healthy. "You just have anxiety, you should stop worrying and enjoy your life." I've scoured the internet late into the night with a pile of copies of my blood work, searching for something to explain what was going on with my body. My husband looked at me one day, likely sick of my complaining, and said, "maybe you're just a hypochondriac." After a while, you really do begin to think maybe you are crazy. I can't tell you how many times I really thought I was losing it. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I can't trust myself anymore. It's a lonely place. And those emotions are not something easily forgotten. If I'm being honest, I'm still struggling with lingering feelings of anger and resentment towards those who dismissed me.
All I've wanted this whole time is to be who I used to be. I want to be able to do yard work without fearing the repercussions. I want to be able to make plans without having to say, "it depends on how I'm feeling." I want to go out and have an alcoholic drink. To run a few miles. The little things I took for granted, I desire them now. I sometimes can't help but fixate on them, but I know that's not healthy.
No matter what happens in life, you have to find a way to move forward. Some people say everything happens for a reason. I think that's bullshit. I think sometimes things happen that suck. Things you never see coming. Things that alter our lives forever. And there's no rhyme or reason, no special plan, it just happens. It's up to you to take that horrible thing, that situation, diagnosis, whatever...and do what you can to make some sort of good come from it.
While I was thinking about all of this, "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 came on the radio. Rob Thomas wrote the song, in part, for his wife, Marisol, who struggles with chronic neurological Lyme disease. I've heard the sound hundreds, if not thousands of times over the years, but after being diagnosed and knowing the story behind the song, it has taken on such a deep meaning, and makes me very emotional.I've made major strides. For a few months now, I haven't been living with daily pain. The anxiety and depression has receded. I'm still symptomatic every single day, but it's not as debilitating at the moment. Mentally, I've come to a place of acceptance. I accept that I will very likely have to deal with this for the rest of my life. I'll always have to be careful how I eat, how hard I exercise, how stressed I become, because any of those things can bring the Lyme roaring back. For so long, I fought against this truth, but I've come to accept it as part of my journey.
But I would be lying if I said I'm not still dealing with some of the emotional fallout from this disease. This journey has not been easy. I've walked hopefully into a doctor's office I waited months to see, only to have him tell me I am healthy. "You just have anxiety, you should stop worrying and enjoy your life." I've scoured the internet late into the night with a pile of copies of my blood work, searching for something to explain what was going on with my body. My husband looked at me one day, likely sick of my complaining, and said, "maybe you're just a hypochondriac." After a while, you really do begin to think maybe you are crazy. I can't tell you how many times I really thought I was losing it. Maybe it is all in my head, maybe I can't trust myself anymore. It's a lonely place. And those emotions are not something easily forgotten. If I'm being honest, I'm still struggling with lingering feelings of anger and resentment towards those who dismissed me.
All I've wanted this whole time is to be who I used to be. I want to be able to do yard work without fearing the repercussions. I want to be able to make plans without having to say, "it depends on how I'm feeling." I want to go out and have an alcoholic drink. To run a few miles. The little things I took for granted, I desire them now. I sometimes can't help but fixate on them, but I know that's not healthy.
No matter what happens in life, you have to find a way to move forward. Some people say everything happens for a reason. I think that's bullshit. I think sometimes things happen that suck. Things you never see coming. Things that alter our lives forever. And there's no rhyme or reason, no special plan, it just happens. It's up to you to take that horrible thing, that situation, diagnosis, whatever...and do what you can to make some sort of good come from it.
Oh, I really understand what you are going through. I'm feeling the same way. Last week 6 days of workouts. This week I'm sore from nothing and tired. The pain is so hard to deal with after ONE SOLID week of nothing for the first time in so long. It's so hard. I'm sorry you are dealing with this but reading your blog and your words right now and always helps so much. I, too, feel and wish I could go out and have a drink. Run. Just be who I was before.
ReplyDeleteI hope the days get easier for you.