I am a very verbal person. Words are how I express my emotions and also how I process things. In my head, everything just jumbles together, but once I am with someone I trust who is willing to listen, I am able to verbally express and process what's going on inside. Sometimes I hate this about myself. To be honest, I still struggle with a lot of things I don't like about myself, but I'm slowly learning how to see the differences in who I am as gifts, rather than curses.
Even though I am verbal, I have begun to hold back a lot. When people ask, "how are you?" I recognize that they really don't want to know how God-awful I've been feeling lately, how its a struggle to get out of bed and my kids tell me I'm no fun because I never feel good anymore. It's a formality. I never want to make it "all about me." I recognize that things could be worse. But that doesn't mean that they don't suck right now.
Since my diagnosis nearly 8 months ago, I've done a lot of soul searching. In the 3 years I was sick prior to the diagnosis, I questioned my own sanity dozens of times. Everyone, including those closest to me, told me it may just all be in my head, that I might just be a hypochondriac, that it's just anxiety. What that taught me, was that I need to trust myself more than other people. I knew something wasn't right. I knew I was sick. When everyone around you is questioning what you know to be true, how do you not begin to crumble?
All my life I've tried to make myself be someone different. I've been chastised for talking too much, told I am too sensitive and get stressed out too easily. (That's just to name a few) The outer voices eventually became my inner voice. I'm ugly. Fat. Stupid. Incompetent. The things that make me who I am, make me someone I shouldn't be. That's the message I got from those around me and unfortunately, that's a message I internalized. In the last few years I began to realize I lack the basic confidence most people possess. I didn't trust myself to do certain things, because inside I always felt utterly incompetent. It sounds silly when I type it, but in actuality I have come to realize it has been a deeply rooted belief for many years, and has been extremely damaging. It's a mess I've only recently begun to untangle.
My goal for 2018 has been to focus on my health, emotional health included. This means removing toxic people and situations from my life, and looking deeper to recognize and remove the toxic beliefs I've held about myself. This also means recognizing that I can stand up for myself, and advocate for myself, and stop trying to make myself small and insignificant.
I know I am worthy. Not because of what others say about me, but because of who I know I am.
Even though I am verbal, I have begun to hold back a lot. When people ask, "how are you?" I recognize that they really don't want to know how God-awful I've been feeling lately, how its a struggle to get out of bed and my kids tell me I'm no fun because I never feel good anymore. It's a formality. I never want to make it "all about me." I recognize that things could be worse. But that doesn't mean that they don't suck right now.
Since my diagnosis nearly 8 months ago, I've done a lot of soul searching. In the 3 years I was sick prior to the diagnosis, I questioned my own sanity dozens of times. Everyone, including those closest to me, told me it may just all be in my head, that I might just be a hypochondriac, that it's just anxiety. What that taught me, was that I need to trust myself more than other people. I knew something wasn't right. I knew I was sick. When everyone around you is questioning what you know to be true, how do you not begin to crumble?
All my life I've tried to make myself be someone different. I've been chastised for talking too much, told I am too sensitive and get stressed out too easily. (That's just to name a few) The outer voices eventually became my inner voice. I'm ugly. Fat. Stupid. Incompetent. The things that make me who I am, make me someone I shouldn't be. That's the message I got from those around me and unfortunately, that's a message I internalized. In the last few years I began to realize I lack the basic confidence most people possess. I didn't trust myself to do certain things, because inside I always felt utterly incompetent. It sounds silly when I type it, but in actuality I have come to realize it has been a deeply rooted belief for many years, and has been extremely damaging. It's a mess I've only recently begun to untangle.
My goal for 2018 has been to focus on my health, emotional health included. This means removing toxic people and situations from my life, and looking deeper to recognize and remove the toxic beliefs I've held about myself. This also means recognizing that I can stand up for myself, and advocate for myself, and stop trying to make myself small and insignificant.
I know I am worthy. Not because of what others say about me, but because of who I know I am.
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